No idea why that needed to be the title of this post, but it did.
Not entirely sure why I needed to create this post, but I did.
I don’t have much to say here or now. I carry grief connected to the relationships memorialized here and for those that provided context and support for this process, but are now themselves somehow also casualties of it.
I’m not writing today from grief, though, but from a combination of exhaustion and necessary forward motion that pushes ruthless efficiency ahead of itself to clear a path.
I’m not entirely sure it’s the right path for me. I’ve long recognized and feared it in the lives of my mother and her mother, but increasingly, it glows with promise before me like a vision of the Grail to Lancelot: withdrawal from human society.
That is not to say that I’m about to retreat to an isolated desert cave to contemplate divinity until I starve to death, nor is that to say that is what my mother and hers did at this stage of their lives.
Instead, that is to say that whether due to the sort of bitter resignation that grows over a lifetime of expecting humans to be better than we are, whether due to the sort of soul-deep fatigue that comes with my particular health issues, whether due to the increasingly shite state of reality, or whether due to some combination of those factors and others, I am taking a break from the active cultivation and maintenance of all friendships outside my immediate natal and marital families.
Over the course of my life, I have refused to recognize how consistently terrible I am at such friendships. At this point, though, that is an inescapable fact. So, at long last and with ill grace, I have bowed to that fact. All other considerations aside, I regret having inflicted my ineptitude on so many for so long, and I apologize for the pain I’ve caused.
Some part of me yearns distantly for the warm sunlight of consistent friendship in my life, but the vast majority of me is clear that everything else aside, I simply lack the energy for it at this time.
Perhaps one day, that will no longer be the case, but for now, working in my chosen field and sharing my time with my children, grandchild, spouse, and Ma while pursuing my own myriad interests in my own solitary ways fills all my days and leaves me more than ready for whatever rest sleep deigns to bring me each night.
So, good night and good luck. May the sun shine on all your hearts and your feet tread steadily on your own paths . . .